WASHINGTON (Associated Press) -- President George W. Bush today applauded
the decision by the House of Representatives and the Senate to disband.
"Everything changed on 9/11," said the President. "The American people
join me in thanking Congress for finally having the wisdom and patriotism
to recognize this changed situation in the country and the world. Although
these legislators have served our nation well over the years, now all that
bickering, partisan sniping, and obstructionism blocking my programs are
"In a word, I know what needs to be done. And now we can reach those goals
with aggressive speed and determination, knowing that all our citizens are
united under one leader. Those seeking to throw the American government
into chaos and anarchy with their talk of impeachment and
cutting-and-running from our battles abroad have been silenced."
A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in both branches
of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that the Executive
Branch has made the Legislative branch redundant, by outsourcing our
law-making functions to itself. They are deciding which laws to obey, and
have the Justice Department and the courts under their control. So, rather
than waste taxpayers money in spinning our wheels, we're simply going out
Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts by lobbying
organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White House and the
military services. Others said they would be going to work for the
expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department, which today announced
that they would be taking over the functions of the Department of State
and all the intelligence agencies.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities will be to
re-organize Amtrak as a "national security asset" and "make sure that the
trains run on time."
The Departments of Labor and Housing & Urban Development will be
disbanded, said new White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter, as will the
various regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency,
Federal Communications Commission, Securities & Exchange Commission, OSHA,
Mine Safety Administration, and the Civil Rights Division of the Justice
The new Secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson, announced that a
national history and civics curriculum would be written by Under
Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the Biology Curriculum by
Rev. Jerry Falwell and James Dobson.
ALWAYS "WITHIN THE LAW"
As for the Judicial Branch, Coulter said: "Now that the Congress is no
longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the Supreme Court,
we would anticipate that the Judiciary will remain in business to validate
the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens should feel comforted that
therefore our Administration will always be seen as working 'within the
law.' But should the Judiciary attempt to interfere with the orderly
workings of this administration, we will re-evaluate its role and
Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into new
establishment jobs or retirement. Several Senators and Representatives,
mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would move to
the Western Coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington), or to the
Northeast region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont), where they
will work for referenda on the possibility of joint secession.
Reportedly, the Bush Administration, which has nullified the 22nd
Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to continue
to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with the attempts of
the "traitorous regions" to sever themselves from the "patriotic
mainstream" of America.
"They are doing this to gain attention for their demands for more
inclusion in policy-making. But surely they realize that if they do leave
the United States, that would make them foreign countries, and thus
potential recipients of our shock & awe policies," said Vice President
Dick Cheney. "I don't think they're going anywhere. They'll come around --
or will devoutly wish that they had."
SEND THESE KIDS TO CAMP
We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush activists and
progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the extraordinary
political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were
forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak, press
secretary for the Department's newly-created Security Services, which was
set up to deal with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents," said all those we
inquired about were "unavailable for comment."
Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report that under the
leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved to "re-education"
camps in the Nevada desert, Northern Alaska oil refuge and other
undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special camps in allied
countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make clear that these
"malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation centers reserved for
homosexuals, winners of National Endowment for the Arts grants, and other
The offending websites have been taken over or shut down, said Deputy S.S.
spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "because they have been spreading slanderous lies
and unsubstantiated charges against our Leader and his policies. Anger and
rebellion have no place in our new order; when those troublemakers return
from the re-education centers, we expect they will have new, positive
attitudes about the value of Bush Administration initiatives."
O'Reilly said that no action would be taken against the editors and
publishers of the country's major newspapers, networks and cable TV and
radio news outlets. "They established their patriotic credentials long
ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep
their traps shut," said O'Reilly.
Rush Limbaugh has been appointed director of the National Institutes of
Health's pharmacy, and Jeff Gannon is now Protocol Chief in charge of
entertainment and overnight stays at the White House.
President Bush announced today that he would fill the seats of three
retiring Supreme Court justices -- John Paul Stevens, Stephen Breyer, Ruth
Bader Ginzburg -- with Michael Brown, Alberto Gonzales and Harriet Miers.
"These new appointees are three of our finest public servants, who have
demonstrated great loyalty to my person and policies," said President
Bush. "They know that everything changed on 9/11 and that me and my
Administration are working hard for the American people. They will serve
the nation well in making sure that our Administration's actions always
will remain 'within the law' -- by validating with their unanimous
opinions those decisions I take in the service of protecting the American
people from threats to our national security. Everything changed on 9/11;
the terrorists hate us for our freedoms, you know."
THE PRESIDENT'S MERCY
Finally, President Bush today issued a full amnesty and/or pardon for
those felons from his Administration and Congress currently serving time
in prison or those under federal indictment or grand jury investigation.
Included among those hundreds are the Cabinet, Karl Rove, I. Lewis Libby,
Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft, Bill Frist, Duke Cunningham, and such stalwart
Administration backers as Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed and Kenneth Lay.
"These are loyal Americans all, who have worked tirelessly for me and thus
for the good of our nation, and were hounded by over-zealous prosecutors
with hidden agendas," said President Bush. "These pardons and amnesties
will ensure that they return to their good work in the public and private
sectors, and will continue advising me well."
Switching places with the pardoned felons are such "over-zealous
prosecutors" as Patrick Fitzgerald, James Comey, Ronnie Earle, and Elliot
Spitzer. Among notables known to have been rounded up and sent for
re-education, based on their harsh critiques of Bush policy: Lawrence
Tribe, Anthony Lewis, Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, Lawrence Wilkerson,
Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, Noam Chomsky, Frank Rich and Seymour Hersh.
Numerous other notables reportedly have fled to France.
President Bush said he issued the amnesties now to "have our full and best
team in place as we prepare for whatever foreign and domestic actions may
come in the immediate future." It is believed he is referring to the
impending military action against Syria, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela,
Cuba and Bolivia.
More secret prisons are being built to accommodate the expected thousands
of detainees from those conflicts. But, said Defense Secretary Rumsfeld,
"there will be fewer prisoners than in past wars because we fully intend
to exercise our dominance in the nuclear-weaponry field. The advantage in
using such WMDs is that it reduces the number of prisoners to care for and
also keeps other foreign countries from even thinking about criticizing
our policies. In short, it's a win-win for America and for the expansion
of freedom around the globe."
Copyright 2006, by Bernard Weiner
Bernard Weiner, Ph.D., a playwright-poet, has written
satires and parodies. He has taught at numerous universities, worked
as a writer/editor with the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently
co-edits The Crisis Papers (www.crisispapers.org). For comments: >>